Stop Censoring Loss Moms

One of the more irksome things about the natural birth movement is the insistence that anything negative be hidden from view. Every homebirth loss mom I know has had her attempts to tell her story censored and lost friends over her insistence on speaking out against a negligent midwife. I believe it has happened again with the latest tragedy. Margarita posted her story on Birth Without Fear. When Mrs. BWF decided to close her page, she claimed she was leaving everything up for it’s “great information and birth stories,” but apparently this birth story wasn’t one she decided to keep.

Margarita, we are so, SO sorry for your loss and we applaud your efforts to get your story out there, even in the midst of your grief. There are several women reading this who have been through a similar experience and would be happy to talk to you, grieve with you, or support you in any way they can. Similarly, if you feel like posting this here is not the kind of support you would like at this time, we are perfectly willing to remove it. Please contact us through our facebook page if you need anything.



Oh, and while we’re at it? Stop saying idiotic things to mothers who lose their babies and tell their stories. It’s not the time for Monday-morning quarterbacking or offering support for negligent midwives. The only appropriate response is, “I’m sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do to help you right now?”

46 thoughts on “Stop Censoring Loss Moms

  1. I’m glad someone is telling this little guy’s story. This tale is the very definition of what is wrong with midwives in this country, any hippy chick with a fair trade skirt can call herself a midwife. This is the tragic result. This beautiful little one looks so much like my own son that my heart breaks and my teeth clench in anger at those fools that allowed it to happen.

  2. You know what pisses me off is she THOUGHT she should go to the hospital, she THOUGHT something was wrong, and some dillhole commenter still finds it necessary to comment that she didn’t trust herself and her birth enough? Seriously?

  3. And that’s not even the worst of the comments from others. they ought to be ashamed.

    I’m so sorry for this moms loss, and hope there are changes in Oregon so it doesn’t happen again.

  4. Excuse me?? Are you kidding me?? Since when have we not defended this mother? We have never blamed her and I cannot believe you have the gall to come here and claim we are doing that! I blame the midwife and the blogger. Hell, I wrote up a thing on my own blog talking about this. Why don’t you post your real name?? If you are going to make wild accusations, show yourself. What’s really interesting is her story and picture here were removed from BWF AFTER I posted the blog I did putting the deaths of these babies on January’s shoulders! This mother has posted on BOBB. The ONLY supporters she has gotten there have been us. Women all over are blaming this mom and we are there to defend her. Every time we read something about a mom stepping out, we are there to support that mother because we know how advocates are. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the only reason you are making the comments you are is because you just want us to go away. We are hitting too close to home and doing too much good. We are helping mothers find their voice and you can’t handle that. Wer are going above and beyond to let this mom know she has our support. What have you done? What do you do, you know, aside from throwing out wild accusations??

  5. We are actually doing more than you think and we are certainly not erasing her story and sweeping it under the rug. I don’t know what happened on SOB, but we certainly aren’t blaming her. Are we telling her that she should have had better intuition? That she should take responsibility for hiring the midwife? I bet you didn’t read the commenters on BWF who criticized her for posting pictures of her “dead baby” maybe YOU should reach our to her, befriend her, defend her to the ones who would say she is telling labor horror stories and “playing the dead baby card” face people calling us names and ripping us to shreds for bringing down the happy blissful mood.

  6. I iz a wolf….except that I’m not. Mozey on over to the SOB and watch me TOTALLY disagreeing with Dr. Amy and her treatment of Margarita….Seriously, if you can’t find a coment where I am not agreeing with her I’ll give you my credit card number.

    I was one of the only ones defending Jenn Hollamon over there a few weeks ago. It was pretty much me against a lot of others, Dr. Amy included,so I’m a tad pissed that you can’t see to open your eyes up there^^ Missy.

  7. ….that “I am speechless” thinks she has the high ground. Here are mothers advocating that birth loss NOT be swept under the rug and that a birth loss mom be allowed to use her voice, and SHE wants to bring up blame? What is your problem, lady?

  8. “God only knows what you would do to me if you had my real name.” God knows, and so do I. Allow me to enlighten you: we’d make fun of you by name for not realizing that Amy Teuter is not the only person in the world who is responding to the spread of dangerous misinformation in the NCB community, the rising homebirth death toll, as well as the appalling criminal negligence committed by horrible midwives like the ones that devastated the lives of poor Margarita and her family. Is it really surprising that other people besides Amy would be outraged, and would want to speak out each in our own ways? Why are you so obsessed with Amy? Why do you assume that anyone who reads or comments on that blog is in agreement with every little thing she writes, or the tone of her writing style? Just so you know, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-For-Fear-of-Ridicule, those are rhetorical questions. You don’t actually have to answer. Just think about it.

  9. Speechless, Amy Tuteur is nowhere around here! This is not her site. It is not about her. If you want a site where you can complain about her, visit hers, or build one of your own. But you are so OT that you’re on another planet.

  10. I am speechless, some regular SOB readers/commenters rarely read the comment threads on loss posts because they are too upsetting. So those people certainly are not bashing the mother. I myself only sometimes skim the comments and rarely participate in these threads. There is some nastiness from both sides – some of which does come from Dr. Amy. I hate to admit that, because I love her blog generally, but I think her anger on behalf of the babies who suffer at homebirth can lead her to be insensitive at times. However, a good deal of the nastiness comes from NCBers who swoop in to those posts to bash regular readers and commenters. I haven’t personally seen any nastiness from the commenters who have posted here.

  11. I don’t think you can say that you are the *only* ones supporting this mother. The VAST MAJORITY of those comments on the photo posted in BWF’s page were “I’m so sorry for your loss” comments, I know, because I was one of those comments. Instead you select the few people who chose to be inappropriate and cruel. They do not represent the majority of the people who commented. Furthermore, BWF reposted this mother’s story twice to bring further attention to it. You are misrepresenting this story to make NCB advocates look heartless b*tches. I agree that some of those people made rude and horrible comments, but most offered support.

    • If you were posting there, then you know that we didn’t post pictures of the worst comments made. Mrs. BWF may have posted it once and then a second reference to it, but she quickly caved and deleted it while leaving the rest of her page up for “educational” purposes. And, many of us could not leave messages of support because Mrs. BWF banned us for posting polite comments disagreeing with something she said. But the purpose here isn’t to make NCB advocates look bad. The purpose is to give this mom a platform to tell her story to more people.

      • Actually if there were worse comments made, I didn’t see them, they may have been made after I commented and that doesn’t negate the fact that the VAST majority of comments were supportive (there are always a few a**holes). Also the photo was removed by Facebook (not by BWF) as some people reported it as offensive. Which makes this whole blog post fallacious. And the purpose here isn’t to “give the mom a platform” as she isn’t even involved in this blog or this process. It’s to make the NCB community look as bad as possible, I mean isn’t that what this entire blog is dedicated to? It’s an opinion and that’s fine, but let’s just be honest and say it like it is.

        • Oh and I have disagreed with BWF and her followers many times and have yet to be banned….though it could be coming. I think banning dissenters is a very poor practice.

        • There were several comments saying they were offended that Margarita had posted. Maybe Facebook took the picture down, but Mrs. BWF subsequently removed all other references to the story – there were three different posts on the page. In addition, I have received thank yous for thus post and the others from Margaritas in-real-life friends, saying that she is interested in getting the story out in any way that she can.

          As far as natural childbirth goes, no one blogging here has anything against it; in fact, several have had natural childbirths or even homebirths. As a doula, I SUPPORT woman who want to have a “natural” birth or ANY kind of birth. We do have a problem with the leaders of the NCB movement and the way they harangue and harass women using scare tactics, half – truths, and outdated information, into giving birth their way. As for making these people look bad? We don’t have to do that – they do it to themselves.

          • I agree that some of them do make themselves and the entire NCB community look bad all by themselves, making it even easier for critics to exploit those mistakes/woeful negligence/incompetence to make the NCB community look horrible as a whole. I’m all for licensing of midwives and minimum educational standards, but I very much resent being lumped in with the extremists. It makes my blood pressure rise rapidly every time I see these stories referring to the NCB movement as if unmedicated child birth is a bad thing; and I would think that if so many of you were actually a part of that community, it would irritate you too. Natural Child Birth isn’t a bad word(s).

  12. I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you may have taken Claire’s comment wrong. I read that to mean that the mom should have trusted her instinct to go to the hospital after a few days of labor, instead of listening to her midwives encouraging her to keep going at home (which I totally agree was very reckless and unacceptable). The mom did say that she felt a few times to go to the hospital, but was talked out of it.

    It makes me wonder if the transfer situation was very unfriendly and the midwives were highly motivated to avoid it . . . something that can make a huge difference when it comes to the safety of homebirth, and definitely something moms should clearly understand when considering that option.

    What a heartbreaking story. My thoughts and prayers are with her tonight.

    • Yes, that can be issue when it comes to homebirth safety (not that it absolves any midwife who may know her client needs to transfer and doesn’t do it for fear of repercussion), but I know what the transfer situation was, and that was not a problem in this case.

      As far as Clare’s comment, I’m sure you are correct in your interpretation, and that’s exactly what I think she was saying. However, it’s basically being a Monday morning quarterback, and isn’t appropriate when speaking directly to the mom.

  13. I am so saddened by this. No parent should ever have to experience the loss of a child. What is evident is that you love your child very much. I hope in time you can find comfort and understanding in this terrible tragedy. I know you will never forget your beautiful baby nor will I. Earth mama angel baby has a website dedicated to mothers who have lost a child. There is also a facebook page. I believe it is No mother there will be mean, only loving a supportive of you during this time of need.

  14. I’m the Claire who made that comment. After I had written it, and I went to bed, I realised that what I wrote may very well have come across wrong. And I was going to change the post, or write another one, but it was gone the next day – as were ALL posts by BWF Mummas. The only ones left were ones made by Mrs BWF herself. This was very disappointing and frustrating.

    More than anything, through that comment I was trying to say that I was sorry for both the loss of her baby, and for the guilt and anguish she was now feeling because she trusted her midwives. She had a horrible, horrible loss that was magnified (and obviously caused) by neglect. I wrote that sentence the way I did, as I was trying to convey the idea that she was not alone in her guilt and anguish.

    So Margarita, if you do happen to read this, please know from the bottom of my heart that I am sorry for your loss of your little boy, and I am sorry for the loss of your hopes, and dreams, and faith. I am so so sorry those midwives were neglectful. And yes, I am sorry that women the world over, including me, don’t trust themselves over the ‘professionals’ (it’s a sad culture we live in, that makes us this way – it’s not your fault AT ALL). And finally, I am terribly sorry if / that my comment caused you pain. ((hugs))

    And to everyone else, I am sorry you had to witness my poor attempt at sympathy, and I am sorry if I caused you pain also. I suffered a miscarriage years ago, and I also know what it’s like to get the sympathy that doesn’t make you feel any better kind-of-sympathy, and I’m sorry that that sentence came across that way, if not worse.

    • What a very wonderful thing it is when a person can see what others say without furiously defend themselves. You are impressive!

      • No, kudos to YOU! How great of you all to reserve your judgment of her until you heard her out! Oh, wait….

        Lucky for her she explained herself, huh? Guilty until proven innocent. You’re a bunch of sweethearts.

        • it doesn’t matter what she *meant.* It matters what Margarita, and everyone else, read and thought. She admitted that she didn’t word it very well, and that’s fine. I’m glad she got the message. There were plenty of other awful comments on that thread as well; people say awful things to women who’ve lost their children in a home birth, and it needs to stop.

  15. This poor mama. Loss should never be censored. But Mrs BWF is infamous for only sharing what she feels is supportive of her agenda and anyone with an experience that proves otherwise will be deleted, banned, and ignored. The majority of the comments on BWF were ignorantly insensitive- “if only we trusted birth more than the professionals…” Wow. Trust in anything if it makes you feel better- trust in crystals- that doesn’t make it anymore effective.

    The point is- this mother asked for help. She wanted to be in the hospital and she was DENIED her wishes. She felt like something was wrong- we’re all preached to that we “know” our bodies, right? Then why was she ignored? And now that she is brave enough to tell her story, she is still ignored because she spun the homebirth wheel and lost everything. It tears a huge hole in the fabric of homebirth fallacies.

    There is no reason to turn this particular article into an anti-Amy commentary. If you have beef with Dr Amy- tell her yourself! It’s so off topic to the nature of this article- if you truly were “Speechless,” and if this truly were “tedious” for you, you wouldn’t continue to comment..and comment…and comment some more!

    A lot of the women on here are genuine- because they’ve unfortunately been in the exact same place as this birth loss mama.

  16. This is so great I had this EXACT experience with Bring Birth Home on facebook.

    I know this post is like ages old but still so important, thank you!

    It’s amazing how they turn against us when our babies die, people often trat me as if I let my baby die as a favor to Dr.Amy, who I’d never even heard of. Foolish NBC meanies.e

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